What time did for me

It changes. 

Give it some time, time heals. 

These words ring in my ears, in the morning when I wake up and during bedtime right before I start drifting away into my own world of innocuous but at the same time fearful dreams. 

I never thought it would be me. Everything was so perfect or so it seemed. For a girl who had it all; a caring supportive family, the most amazing friends, good grades and a passion for writing. Not just to me, but to the world it seemed that I had it all together. 

Little did I know that in my mind, there was a different storm building up altogether. The times I felt a certain way about myself, wasn’t just periods of going through those feelings temporarily. Little did I know it would all compound to something greater and bigger one day spiralling my emotions out of control. 

I have often felt there is no reason for me to feel depressed, anxious and overthink the way I do now. But little do we realise that even in the perfectly built homes of joy, security and love, there are crevices through which creeps negativity, self loath and panic attacks conjured by events that we may have ignored or even if suffered thought that they are out of our system when in reality they might just be feeding on our emotions, gnawing away at the remnants of our sane, happy selves.

But time, time heals. 

Do I believe this? I always find myself questioning this whole idea of time. 

Two years back, I was miserable but put together on the outside, laughing my heart out at the silliest of things, crying alone in the shower. 

One year back, I find myself in a different country altogether, wanting to escape my past life while at the same time build a career that I wasn’t even sure I was ready to pursue 

Two months back, I am miserable again, this time even more. 

This time I feel suffocated, somehow trapped by my own fears, guilt and lack of belief that anything I did or do will ever make me feel like I am on the right path, like I am good enough to become a better version of myself by building up my career, my relationships. 

But time, it did not change anything. I wait around for time to make things better, I put off eating breakfast for the next day thinking that next day will make me feel better. So I put off feeling better for the next day. 

If there is anything that the time of suffering teaches you, it is that you cannot wait for it to stop spiraling you out of control. You cannot wait for the emotional upheaval to ebb. You cannot wait for the universe to see that you are a good person and you don’t deserve this so it should stop happening to you magically. 

Yes there are times I am tired to even think positively, to work on myself, to do anything but force myself out of the shackles holding me down. Because it is so easy, so comfortable, this life became so familiar to me that while I was sitting blaming time, I did not realise I was the one holding the timer in my hand all along, the one who could just stop it anytime. 

Yes, it takes time to heal, it takes time to start walking again when you haven’t in so long because you felt stuck, unable to decipher where to go or what to do, it takes time to even realise you need help, you need friends and family, you need support. Go ahead take that time, start the timer. But know when you stop the timer, it is time for you to start your life, differently this time, a different chapter this time. 

We may be shaped by our past beliefs, thoughts or actions but how malleable this design of us is, we do not realise. I am not feeling well today but I know I can always start, I know it is not the end until I actually make up my mind so firm and so strong that tomorrow will not come. But the truth is, tomorrow will come, it is up to you to decide if tomorrow should be just like yesterday or indeed a new day that you choose to navigate your way. 

Don’t be strong all the time, it is okay to be weak sometimes, 

Don’t be hard on yourself, you know when you are doing your best, 

Don’t hate yourself, I know people say love yourself but all I say is give yourself some credit even if it means very little

Don’t skip meals, no seriously it plays with your mind, lack of proper nutrition is power and food to negative emotions, it wakes up the evil mind 

Run, swim or dance. Just move. Movement is key. Small steps lead to bigger accomplishments than you can ever think of. 

If there is something that time did for me, it was this. It opened my eyes yes, but it was my journey that made me realise, I can change, I can heal myself… with time.